UMMM...yeah.

Just a piece of advice: Don't blog while upset or emotionally intoxicated. It can cause issues to rise.


Just a Note. :D

OH! Heres a cool picture.

PENGUINS!

The Wrong Way or Changes

Having problems with some of my buds lately. I know it is probably my fault but have yet to truly see why. Again, my fault. All I know is that I don't feel bad, which is not only weird for always-cares-what-others-think-about-me me, but is always very unkind of me. This past weekend I have had two of my close friends inform me that I was sort of being distant and not willing to be apart of their lives. Normally I would jump to the chance at fixing what horrible thing I had done and trying to get back to the same speck of a place I had in their lives. But for some reason, I just don't care anymore. I'm sick of being that friend that is just there and when I am not there, life is just handy-dandy or even somewhat better. I have always been the tag - along, or the convenient friend, there when summoned. To my friends I am just another on a long list, but my friends, to me, are all that I have.

   Everyone I know and keep close to me has someone else. My best friends have their families, spouses, or other close friends they can turn to. I'm probably wrong but I feel like the circle in the middle of a group of other circles that are tethered together. when those tethers break, all of the other circles have another shape to hold onto, but since I'm in the middle, I fall, alone. (Cheesy I know, but you can't put a cheese limit on feelings, right?)

So what do I do? What I always do when life gets rough. I think of the worst and the most obvious and inevitable path. I tell myself " hey, maybe you are meant to push your friends away every time you have some because you are secretly meant to be alone for the rest of your mediocre life."  OR " You are to much of a complete and total loser for them anyway. They would be better off." OORR "Yeah, Krista, You suck." Obviously, this is not the best path to fixing the problem or to avoiding depression.

Well what should I do? Truly, the answer is so super simple. I don't want to be the back-hand friend anymore but I also don't want to lose my friends. I have no desire to give up what I feel and believe and yet want to give them all up so badly just so I can be the opposite of what my friends want me to be. Simple right?

Here's my plan: I change. What solution could be better? It is obvious that my friends are having troubles seeing eye-to-eye with me and I have never really liked myself either, so what better way to solve my problems that the change who I am altogether.

Now I don't mean becoming a different person, I mean finally becoming the person I have always wanted to be. I have always wanted to be the super good LDS girl who does what she is supposed to, prays as if it were as if it were as necessary as breathing (which it is), and would be married, fit and eternally happy. thus far, I'm not that girl. I get almost every dirty joke I here, I pray as often as I feel, which is not often at all, and happiness is not a constant companion. I have also always wanted to be the confident, outspoken, ready for what life throws at me kind of girl. I am  none of the above.

How am I going to change? first off I want to change how I look. I have never been a fan of my body. Actually, I secretly hate it, like most girls still contain all human body parts. So I will run. Running is fun and good for the body. hopefully this will help the confidence thing fall into place.

Nest I need to change the fact that I am always scared, of everything. I need to face my fears and make them work for me and to help me grow. the thing I fear the most, especially around others, is being myself. I fear, no I KNOW, that if i am to be myself, no one will like who I am and then I would have to stop pretending to have all of these close friends and finally fulfill my destiny of eternal loneliness. If i can merge into the people I am with, then I know that they will have no conscious choice but to accept me.

Now that I decided to stop caring what happens between me and others for a while, maybe this whole being myself thing will actually work.

lastly I need to change the way I think. I'm going to be honest, My thoughts have a tendency to be raunchy, rude, judgmental, inconsiderate, self loathing, and jealous, even though I hardly express most of these thoughts outwardly. If I could somehow change how I feel about life, happiness would be waving to me and urging me to run straight to its arms.

All theses changes seem possible and quite able to be accomplished. One Problem, I suck at change. I can handle change when it happens TO me from out in the world. When I need to create change, I freeze. I can't change because who am I to deserve to be better? I have this way of telling myself not to change today, change tomorrow. Change when you are in college, change when you get married, change when you have kids, ETC. I'm pretty sure I am the queen of procrastinating life-bettering events.

So friends, I fear that the problem will never truly be solved because I am to scared of change. So here I go, back into my little crevice into the lives of those around me, being what I know that they need me to be. maybe one day I will finally implode and not be able to hold my peace any longer but for now, I am going to encourage change, probably not get anywhere, and live life as I know how: the wrong way.