Conversation to Self

Words mean nothing! I need action. Talk talk talk. All I'm hearing is empty promises and attitude. When will those become full promises and those attitudes positive actions? Huh? when?

 Exactly. You don't know. you have no idea. well let me tell you something Missy. I didn't come to this earth to be.............this! this thing people call Krista. I came here to do something worth telling about when I die. I came here to be great and what are we doing? blogging. that's right, blogging, instead of hiking MT. Everest or making out with a hot Australian while swimming the Great Barrier REEF!

And it is all because of you. yes you. holding me back, making me feel like i don't deserve to have a hot Australian. Always telling me how second rate I am. how I will never be who i want to be or go where I want to go because i don't have any money or time or the looks or talent or enough spiritual power or I'm not ready.

Your just scared. Scared that something bad will happen. someone will not like you or you'll die before your time. well guess what, with the way you are living, you could already be counted as deceased.

Well NO MORE. this is an intervention and i plan on stopping you from holding me back any longer. Guess what we are going to do? you and me are go to do whatever we want when we want. now i don't mean in the stupid defiant teenager way, i mean the do-it-because-it-is-fun-and-good-for-you kind of way. instead of just staring at the cute guy sitting across from us, we are going to say hi. or instead of feeling like a fat lard every time we look into mirrors, we are going to embrace our beautiful curves!

 no more I cant's, i hate's, or fake I don't want to's. We will do all that we want. And won't do what we don't want. no more letting others walk all over us, no more holding back because we want to keep that protective cloak of timid around us. I am sick of not feeling like I'm worth anything just because you are miserable with life and need company. I am going to be happy and who I really am from now on, and it is up to you if you want to join me. But you better hurry, this train called life leaves immediately!

love love love

UMMM...yeah.

Just a piece of advice: Don't blog while upset or emotionally intoxicated. It can cause issues to rise.


Just a Note. :D

OH! Heres a cool picture.

PENGUINS!

The Wrong Way or Changes

Having problems with some of my buds lately. I know it is probably my fault but have yet to truly see why. Again, my fault. All I know is that I don't feel bad, which is not only weird for always-cares-what-others-think-about-me me, but is always very unkind of me. This past weekend I have had two of my close friends inform me that I was sort of being distant and not willing to be apart of their lives. Normally I would jump to the chance at fixing what horrible thing I had done and trying to get back to the same speck of a place I had in their lives. But for some reason, I just don't care anymore. I'm sick of being that friend that is just there and when I am not there, life is just handy-dandy or even somewhat better. I have always been the tag - along, or the convenient friend, there when summoned. To my friends I am just another on a long list, but my friends, to me, are all that I have.

   Everyone I know and keep close to me has someone else. My best friends have their families, spouses, or other close friends they can turn to. I'm probably wrong but I feel like the circle in the middle of a group of other circles that are tethered together. when those tethers break, all of the other circles have another shape to hold onto, but since I'm in the middle, I fall, alone. (Cheesy I know, but you can't put a cheese limit on feelings, right?)

So what do I do? What I always do when life gets rough. I think of the worst and the most obvious and inevitable path. I tell myself " hey, maybe you are meant to push your friends away every time you have some because you are secretly meant to be alone for the rest of your mediocre life."  OR " You are to much of a complete and total loser for them anyway. They would be better off." OORR "Yeah, Krista, You suck." Obviously, this is not the best path to fixing the problem or to avoiding depression.

Well what should I do? Truly, the answer is so super simple. I don't want to be the back-hand friend anymore but I also don't want to lose my friends. I have no desire to give up what I feel and believe and yet want to give them all up so badly just so I can be the opposite of what my friends want me to be. Simple right?

Here's my plan: I change. What solution could be better? It is obvious that my friends are having troubles seeing eye-to-eye with me and I have never really liked myself either, so what better way to solve my problems that the change who I am altogether.

Now I don't mean becoming a different person, I mean finally becoming the person I have always wanted to be. I have always wanted to be the super good LDS girl who does what she is supposed to, prays as if it were as if it were as necessary as breathing (which it is), and would be married, fit and eternally happy. thus far, I'm not that girl. I get almost every dirty joke I here, I pray as often as I feel, which is not often at all, and happiness is not a constant companion. I have also always wanted to be the confident, outspoken, ready for what life throws at me kind of girl. I am  none of the above.

How am I going to change? first off I want to change how I look. I have never been a fan of my body. Actually, I secretly hate it, like most girls still contain all human body parts. So I will run. Running is fun and good for the body. hopefully this will help the confidence thing fall into place.

Nest I need to change the fact that I am always scared, of everything. I need to face my fears and make them work for me and to help me grow. the thing I fear the most, especially around others, is being myself. I fear, no I KNOW, that if i am to be myself, no one will like who I am and then I would have to stop pretending to have all of these close friends and finally fulfill my destiny of eternal loneliness. If i can merge into the people I am with, then I know that they will have no conscious choice but to accept me.

Now that I decided to stop caring what happens between me and others for a while, maybe this whole being myself thing will actually work.

lastly I need to change the way I think. I'm going to be honest, My thoughts have a tendency to be raunchy, rude, judgmental, inconsiderate, self loathing, and jealous, even though I hardly express most of these thoughts outwardly. If I could somehow change how I feel about life, happiness would be waving to me and urging me to run straight to its arms.

All theses changes seem possible and quite able to be accomplished. One Problem, I suck at change. I can handle change when it happens TO me from out in the world. When I need to create change, I freeze. I can't change because who am I to deserve to be better? I have this way of telling myself not to change today, change tomorrow. Change when you are in college, change when you get married, change when you have kids, ETC. I'm pretty sure I am the queen of procrastinating life-bettering events.

So friends, I fear that the problem will never truly be solved because I am to scared of change. So here I go, back into my little crevice into the lives of those around me, being what I know that they need me to be. maybe one day I will finally implode and not be able to hold my peace any longer but for now, I am going to encourage change, probably not get anywhere, and live life as I know how: the wrong way.

SPRING: the good times that lead to the pure happiness of :SUMMER

Only two more weeks of school. Then it is summer. I am so happy. wahoo.






BUT SERIOUSLY. I AM SO EXCITED THAT I TRUELY,ON OCCASSION, CAN NOT CONTAIN MY JOY!!!

Flowers

Green Grass

Hiking

Running

Racing

Sitting

Working

Sitting some more

Lagoon

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!

Oh man. I am SO glad I got that out.

Truth

Alone I Cried - by Mark R Slaughter

'Alone! ' I cried again.
'Alone I am with me!
Lonely in a world of mist
Alone, I reach to touch your wrist
And see if I am thee.'

To be alone beside a soul
Afloat, adrift; an empty ghoul
Alone in woe; the yearning flesh
To fill a thin, contorted mesh
Diffuse atop an icy floor, alone.

So much alone in fact, I lack
The tonal vibrancy of life:

I am a song without a tune
alone;
A greying sky in June
alone;

The blueness of a sullen moon
- waning in a starless night-
alone;

Coasting down a weedy pass
alone;
The only image in the glass
alone;

To meet a certain heavy fate
- to turn and shut the knurly gate-

…alone.

YUM FACTOR

MELTING POT! HERE I COME!

Arch Swing

This looks like soooo much fun!

Hope

It is hard to have hope when you lack confidence.

 Hope is a friend to those who think that it is even a possibility. For me, hope is all I give myself. I don't allow confidence, I never have.

 But hope...

 Hope will always be my one way ticket to somewhere other than what I consider my reality; that reality I create for myself. I hope ( :) ) that one day I will have confidence in my hopes, and they will become my reality.

My future personal muse and makeout man.

Darren

Criss

Need I post more?

words

“Whether or not you believe in God, you must believe this: when we as a species abandon our trust in a power greater than us, we abandon our sense of accountability. Faiths … all faiths … are admonitions that there is something we cannot understand, something to which we are accountable. With faith we are accountable to each other, to ourselves, and to a higher truth. Religion is flawed, but only because man is flawed. The church consists of a brotherhood of imperfect, simple souls wanting only to be a voice of compassion in a world spinning out of control.”
― Dan Brown, Angels and Demons


“Science and religion are not at odds. Science is simply too young to understand.”
― Dan Brown, Angels and Demons

Eternity

You go right ahead and get married in your Las Vegas chapel or at the nearest courthouse. As for me, I'm getting married in a castle to a son of a king.

You Can't Run When You Are Holding Suitcases

My Goal is that by the summer I will be ready in body and mind to run in a marathon. Perferably a short one.

This has always been a dream of mine and I'm hoping that it becomes a part of my life forever.

I LoVe to run. It is so stress releasing and energy filling. It makes my days instantly better.

One Problem. I just don't do it.

I am either to lazy, or to busy.

so it is time to change. yup. it is.

here is some inspiration for not only myself, but for everyone! :D

MUTO

AMAZING.

Beautiful.

Intense.

A little creepy.

True art.



THE VOW

starts out sad. she loses her memory and he has to win her back. It's hard, they get through it. Ends with an open ended happily ever after.

Yeah.

I am glad I watched this movie before valentines day, so that I could get all of the lovey dovey out of my system.

For the beautiful v-day, I plan on wallowing in my self realization and continuing my day as usual: school, work, homework. Then if there is anytime left to use my brain and think about what I am missing, I will fill the empty space with mindless television, food, and sleep.

then the day will be over and everyone will move on.

yes. It is a most ingenious plan.

"No Money, we arn't friends."

I've decided to get married to someone who either

• knows how do deal with money, investments, and other money related things, with perfect finesse,
• knows someone very well who does all of that stuff,
• or someone who is very rich and none of that money stuff really matters.

Why, you may ask?

Well, in my personal finance class, I am currently learning how to become financially independent. This means to live without debt or within one's means.

This does sound pretty wonderful, but it is so...so...so much work and worry! taxes, bills, mortgage, credit, stocks, bonds, interest rates. It is a never ending cycle of money and numbers: two of my least favorite things.


Solution:
  Have someone else do it for me! This innovative concept is why I am going to either marry someone who can handle it all for me or , if i don't get married [  :'(  ],  pay someone!

Sure, I'll try to help as best I can, but money and its fellow demons are the only reasons I am going to postpone growing up forever.

 OR until I get married.

OR OR until I give up my humble pride to the pull of the financial hand, pulling me down to financial H E double hockey sticks.

OR OR OR I really really have to do it myself.

OR OR OR OR money and I become friends. But then again, if this happened, I could buy my way out of adulthood. Isn't that what most rich people do?

SMILE>:D

Goal of today: be happy at work.

Succeeded!

yeah, so my job is mediocre and never changing. and I'm pretty sure the top lady hates me. So what?

 I'm lucky to have a job at all. let alone one that pays me more than minimum wage. Plus I basically

 have 4 hours to just think and listen, but Instead of doing it in bed or on a couch, I'm continuously

 moving. yeah, my job basically ROCKS. the end.

The Me I Want To Be

LAST POST= Depressing.

THIS POST= Much less depressing than the last. Much.

I have so many unfulfilled goals and ambitions.
SO?

I have made a decision. I am going to try and make little daily changes that will help make me the person that I want to be. In order for this to work, I 'm going to write it all on here! : D

I am going to keep track of what changes I made and see if this plan actually helps me to be better!

Starting today, I am no longer going to have negative thoughts of myself and of others. I am going to be positive and make sure to be as kind as possible.

I shall report later and share how I did! yay!

here is a song to make life better for all! ENJOY!